I am a lover of beginnings, and a hater of endings.
There are many a half-finished book on my nightstand and a nearly finished scarf in my drawer. This trait of mine is something I detest, and I often force myself to read long after the beginning has faded into the distance.
But to be honest, sometimes I so dread the ending that I miss the beginning. Sometimes I forget to sit in wonder by the Christmas tree because I already dread when the clock will strike midnight, and a year will stand between me and my favorite day. I feel sadness before I even embark on a plane, because I know there will be a flight back in the near future, and the trip will be written into my story, tucked away forever.
But this year … I am a lover of this ending. I am anxious to leave this year behind, to have this year written into the past where it will stay.
It’s been a tough year. Change seems to leave holes in my life that I fall into .. and I forget who I am in those places. I have to find myself again. And written into my journal, is a reminder: Sometimes you need to go home to find out where you got lost. And that’s what I’ve done in the past, I’ve always gone home to find out where I got lost.
But somewhere along the way, I lost that home … and I’ve been searching for it ever since. A part of me knows that there will be a longing for home that will never be satisfied this side of heaven. But a part of me knows, too, that we are meant for a home. A place where we feel safe, a place where we feel at rest, and a place where we are no longer lost.
My soul has been wanting that place, and in my small corner of the world, with my maps of New York on the wall, and my extensive scarf collection tucked into the closet, I’ve found that Home again. It’s taken a lot of wandering to get here, though. And I wonder how often, in the dark valleys of life, really, at the root of it is our search for Home.
The place where we are safe, where we can be, where we can be fully ourselves.
And so, I am thankful for this ending. For the ending of this season of searching, and the beginning of Home. A home built with an open heart to find God in the silence, in the absence of another, and in the brokenness. As you say goodbye to 2014, and hello to a new year, may your soul find Home, too.