Living in the Land of Should

I have a confession to make.

I live in this land called “Should.”

It’s not a place I’m happy to be in. In fact, it causes me a lot of stress. I spend more time “should-ing” – stressing over what I should be doing – instead of just being.

Depression makes this harder. It’s incredibly hard to be. Because you just think of all the things you should be doing. You think of the fact you should spend your time “wisely,” and “wisely” may mean not resting when your body actually needs it. Or it might mean not listening to your limits – but pushing past them, because those limits simply shouldn’t be there.

I’m dreadfully guilty of that. I’m guilty of pushing myself to be with people when I know my body needs a rest. I’m guilty of pushing myself to keep a clean apartment when it’s actually okay to spend time watching a movie because a little dirt never hurt anybody. I’m guilty of moving to another country because although it’s scary, and I know it’s not something I may want, it’s something I should want.

And you know what? All that living in the Land of Should has made me miss out on the life that God has placed right in front of me.

I’ve missed out on being. I’ve missed out on living presently.

So I’m packing my bags and I’m moving out from the land of Should. I want to sit in the middle of a fall day because the fresh air and crisp colours make my heart dance – instead of what I “should” be doing. I want to lay in the middle of my apartment and read, simply because it makes me happy.

God has given me this day. I want to begin to rejoice and be glad in it. I need to find out how God has made me – what causes my heart to dance in the goodness He has blessed me with?

Well, I’m packing my bags and I’m going to find out.