Seeing It As It Is

I looked through my journals, searching for the story I was sure I had tucked away somewhere. It had come to me on the bus, an image of his hat of all things. And so I had set out to write the story down: of the taste of the cafe au lait, of his French, of his story – to find some sort of beauty in the story of falling for an unhappily married stranger.

Because that’s what I long for, to find beauty in brokenness.

But today I just can’t bear to write those words. I can’t even describe to you watching him as I left, or the feeling of guilt rising in the pit of my stomach. We may not have even touched in that hour, but my heart had surely gone places it never should have.

Nothing will make that image pretty.

And I realized,

I don’t want it to be.

Because it’s not.

There is nothing beautiful or redemptive in those moments. And I am heartbroken that they are part of my story. But you know what?

Grace. God’s beautiful, unending grace – let’s us see what sin is: ugly. And that evil? It’s inside of us. Not outside of us. Evil has lost its power over me but I can’t think for a moment it doesn’t exist, or that I can’t fall.

Because I can. I am sinful. But that’s why I need my Redeemer, who redeems and pours grace and who plants airplanes in my path to take me away when all I want to do is stay.

Sin – temptation – will always tell you that it offers you life. That it is good and whole and beautiful. That the deep desires of your heart, the ones contrary to God’s Word, are good or trustworthy.

They aren’t.

Pray, pray, pray for eyes to see sin for what it is: ugly. Sin will never deliver on its promise. It didn’t in the Garden –

And it won’t now.

{and if you need to just rest in His sweet grace tonight, listen to this – hymns have a way of breaking your heart open into a million, sweet little pieces}